So, guess what. I supposed I have passed all my tests over the last few weeks. When I say tests, don't get me wrong <Put the bat and keys away Tracy ;) > No one has been playing the testing game bullshit. No, more that I think life has been testing me, testing the temperance of the changes I have made in myself over the past year. And I have to say, I am very pleased with the out come. Some one very very dear to me, someone I have grown to know appreciate and love beyond what I thought I was capable of, has finally began to allow herself to return that love. Not only am I a changed, better man, but I am also a happy and very much taken one now. After weeks, even months of trials and tribulations for the both of us, things are finally beginning to progress towards a better state of happiness as well as life and being for the two of us, both as individuals as well as the new couple we find ourselves as now.   

    Here's me being glad I'm not all Emo-tastic right now for once.

Okay, usually I post here, I really don't expect or even think I want comments or replies. but this time, I think I do. So, A friend brings over Chinese this afternoon, and she has an extra fortune cookie. Knowing the superstitious fuck that I am, and being it's my house, she figures it was meant for me to receive, so she gives it to me. I open it, eat the cookie, and then read.... "Follow your heart for success in the coming week." are the words that stare back at me. Well, funny thing that. very Ferkin hard to follow something that doesn't know where the hell to go. So yeah. On top of this, someone I care for more than I probably should texted me friday evening apologizing for not talking to me for a week. My heart lifts, a smile crawls onto my lips, a smile that hasn't been there since the last time I talked to her, and she says that she will call me Saturday night after seven. Well, I'm like a damned greedy boy on Christmas morning Saturday night, and don't let my phone get more than 2 inches from my hand all night. Does it ring? Hell no.  So that leads to a question I get in my head tonight while driving home after a session of redneck tow truck <Towing a nissan mini truck with a rope behind my jeep for those not in the know>.

The question is this.... Should I feel spurned? I mean, it is a strange situation, one of VERY bad timing, for those that know the story you know what I mean, those that don't sorry, ask and I might tell. But basically, as far as I know/can tell/am told/want to think, the lack of communication is not intentional, though one must wonder why she can't at least text me and say, "Sorry, things came up, can't call." Instead I spend the evening hoping, and feel that smile crawl back under it's rock it has called home so much lately. Should I feel spurned? Should I just say fuck it, you aren't worth it, even though every pain in my heart tells me she is? Wise old confusious has never led me astray before, but damnit, my heart doesn't know where to go anymore than I do.......

Okay, yeah, so I realized that last post could really make some of you folks worry about me, so figured I'd toss this up for now to stop the phone calls and emails before they come. No, I'm not going to go Wynona Ryder on my wrists or even start spouting Emo bullshit. Don't worry, death is still many years away for me, and I have no intentions of rushing it in the least. Just know this. I'm in a crossroads in my life that once again gives me no options that I would readily choose, but alas, choose I must. I don't like where I ahve to go, but I will go there, cause it will help get me out of the shadow and back into the light eventually. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it ya know.

Anyway, yes, I'm upset, mildly depressed, even a bit angry at life, but don't worry, Life will get over me soon enough, those of you who know me well know that I don't stay down for long.

Behind all the good,
They lurk
Behind all the Love,
They chew
Behind all the light,
They swallow

The Hidden Ones are there always.
Lightly they prey on you hope,
Eagerly they feast on your dreams,
Cheerfully they devour

Learn to live with them,
Learn to lose,
And then, all will be right.

Okay, some of you will know why I posted this, some won't, if you don't oh well. Sorry but not dwelling on it any longer and that includes explaining it to anyone who doesn't already know what is going on. And yes, I know, months of nothing on here and now I'm about to do a few rapid fires. So sue me, get over it, if I ahve to, so should you.


Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Ok, you know what. I've been thinking the last couple of days. Someone very special to me, some one I ahve hurt many times in the past, distant as well as recent, is starting to have things go well for them. And I got to thinking about this, trying to figure out my feelings about her situation, and what it means to me, and what it should mean to me. And I came to realize, it wasn't jealousy I was feeling this time. Other times, yes, I have to admit it was the nasty green headed monster. But not this time..... Before it had been a jealousy, not of the lack of myself being the source of her happiness, but a jealousy of how good things were going for her, and how shitty my own life has been recently. This time however, I found that what I was feeling was an admiration, and respect. And a touch of happiness. This confused me, so I tried to examine these feelings, and their reasons a bit more. What I came up with is, that I admire her, for not giving up, for pushing on despite how she felt that things would be for the rest of her life. She persaviered, found good things and cultivated them. And I admire her for that, and respect her stamina. The happiness was perhaps the most perplexing of all the feelings. I was confused at how I could feel happy for her happiness, and then I realized, it was because no matter what I had done to her throughout our lives together, especially recently, she still cared for me enough to show concern for me in times when it was due. But most of all, she respects me enough to continue to make me a part of her life, and I can see us continuing to be friends. I just hope, that some day I can find the peace and happiness she is finding now.

Yeah, well, so my little LJ pusher was right, I will end up posting here more than I figured. Well, aren't I the master of the obvious, if I wasn't you wouldn't be reading this. Anyway, just posting to update anyone who might come across this, things are going good so far. And old friend moved down here from Wisconsin and is rooming with me now, so should be moving to a new place as soon as we can both afford it. Need work again, got fired from the pizza job, oh well. Making friends and enemies of course, never could make one without the other. And well, just living, and trying to enjoy life as much as I can for. Anyway, see ya'll again soon.

So yeah, Finally gave in to the peer pressure, thanks Tracy. So here's my LJ, lots of nothing here, and not really sure how much will ever be here. I've never been much of a person to air my thought and feelings to the world, I guess that's why I have never become an artist of any sort. So anyway. Things are going decently I guess, still a bit confused on the whole relationship front, I can't stand not knowing what I want, and not being able to control it when I do. Who knows, maybe I'm just meant to be a hermit, gods know I have enough friends that basicly are. Anyway, that's it for now, just posting this so there is something there besides the typical crap that LJ adds and all that. Maybe more later, maybe not. Who knows.